BOOM! We just got commissioned by BBC comedy to make a pilot for Doing It – it’s like er, the Muppets meets the Inbetweeners with real teenagers in a pupil referral unit.

“Do you like George Michael?”

“I don’t even know who that is mate. He sounds really old. Is he a country singer?”

Mum proof read my script to check grammar,

Her despair at it caused her to stammer:

“I have failed as a mother,

because you and your brother,

butcher the English language in every conceivable way, I can’t believe you are my children frankly. How have you got to the age of 32 without a firm grasp of the possessive apostrophe? I wouldn’t commission your script just on a point of principle about the over use of subjunctives and lack of understanding of narrative forms. I mean, is this supposed to be a limerick? I give up.”

Barely able to function this morning due to extreme sensory overload at the train station.

phone exchange:

Me: “Dad, I’m through to the next round of IFeatures2″.

Dad: “That’s magic. Good stuff” He hangs up.

Dad rings back “I’m ecstatic” – hangs up.

Rings back. “ring your mum” hangs up.

Here is another thumb video…

Here is a little video I made using my thumbs as actors. Try not to be intimidated by the amazing production value and that.

Thank you EIFF for having me up and not judging me as I broke down through over exposure to alcohol and Mark Cousins’ bare legs.

Apologies to all that I roped into playing Wink Murder in that posh film party and to the man who sat next to me on the train home while I wept at Lionel Ritchie on my ipod “He’s just so talented and his genius is so misunderstood”.

First we personified ‘her’, then we ruthlessly juiced her because she was undeniably sexier than us.

“The time has come to stop titting about and instead do something with our lives”.

“Are you sure? Maybe we should think about it for a bit”

I just started this with my friend  www.eternalteabreak.co.uk

Be our mates.

Another set of top films made by us at My Pockets with teenagers with troubled lives and that. These are a series of Rock Hard Puppets ‘Doing It’.

Kids just pointing at some stilton :“what the fuck is that?”

me: Er, it’s cheese.

Kid “It’s covered in mold. you should tell someone. The food in here is shit.”

Me: “Its supposed to have mold on it….”

Kid mouths at me : what the fuck?!

If only scientists could capture the heat from a billion women’s wombs vibrating simultaneously while looking at Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing with his top off it would surely be the answer to the energy crisis.

Dear Michael,

As promised please find a graph detailing the projected audience for my new script. I have tried to be realistic about expectations. I hope it aids your pitch.

PS. It’s possible I may have to pay for the tickets for some of my relatives as a means of ensuring their cinematic attendance. There was a heated discussion about pirate bay and various ways they could rip it for free, so it might be best to factor this cost into the budget at this stage…

Dear Michael,

As requested I have given considerable thought to your questions about my central character. Initially I wrote a 2,000 word document detailing her thought processes but looking at it with the benefit of hindsight I felt this pie chart communicated it more clearly.

PS: sorry about the animals / tea comment. I accidentally wrote on the board in permanent marker a little while ago and now it won’t come off. Hope it won’t undermine the integrity of your pitch etc.

“Even though we are pushing the boundaries of human exhaustion from over-working – how about we go to the Film Festival, inappropriately cover ourselves in stickers and create an impromptu dance-floor after heckling the dj for hours to replace the post-ironic afrobeat ambiance with a more populist Whitney Houston / George Michael disco fest?”

“Amazing idea. Hey you know those curved white stairs in the bar are perfect for an MGM musical type entrance / helter-skelter type slide down / erotic burlesque show.”

“Tell me about it, we’ll decide the precise nature of the performance according to a subtle reading of the audience demographic (based on the exact semiotic science of how sexy their shoes are)”

“I thought that by this age I would have distilled my life experiences into a coherent world-view, having woven the fragile threads of my existence into an enlightened view of the Universe and my place within it”

“I thought I’d be married to Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block”

Quotes from Ed (edit assistant):

“Half my time is spent telling you not to feel guilty about how much food you eat and the other half is spent fetching you food.”

“You’ve got some shit on your face, unless it is a spot and then I feel bad” (me: “feel bad”).

“When you hang round with me does it make you feel like a Royal? I open doors for you, make you tea, fetch you lunch, keep an eye on you in case you say something inappropriate to people who don’t know you…”

“It’s ok that we are always walking into doors and dropping stuff. We are more evolved. My brother is really good at practical things like walking round the house. I haven’t got time to think about stuff like that. My IQ is too high to think about walking straight.”

“Sometimes you look like a squirrel. You look at me with these eyes like you are in a park and I’ve just caught you eating food.”

“You’re like the older sister I never had and never wanted”

Unconventional interview process:

So, yeah can you just touch your head, shoulders, knees and toes…

Forgot I did this until Dad came round to fix the lights. Time was, he’d have called me an imbecile and said my actions were inciting him to swear. Today he just said I needed to ‘flick the fashion-envy switch’ without batting an eyelid and asked me to put the kettle on.